Trigger Warning: Mental health, suicide, self-harm
For those who have a pair of eyes, you may notice that I wasn't on campus this week, or last week, or the week before that. Some say that if you say my name 3 times, I might appear to which I say, please don't do that. It won't work. People have already tried it.
For those who want to know where I have been, I have been in my hometown. You see, I now have depression and I'm on medication.
A lot of people will now ask me why. If there are any moments that caused it. When did I know that something wasn't right?
For me, I knew that I couldn't hide away any more about a month ago. It was a Wednesday morning. I woke up early, had a shower, played some music and grabbed some cereal. Then I just cried. No reason. None of the music was sad. I had 2 of my favorite classes that day but I just sat on the table bawling. I couldn't even finish my cereal. I then cried for about 3 hours non-stop.
At best, I could wake up and conquer the world. I was queen Kelly and nobody, assignment, reading or entity was going to stop me from succeeding. At worst, I was calculating how I was going to take my life. There wasn't even a medium anymore.
There were days, I would live off a sarnie and an apple all day and other days I would binge eat. I went from a UG who went to bed at 10 pm on the dot unless it was a night out to 12 am if I was lucky. I had this whole group of people around me but I never spoke to them about the issues because I was worried about being a burden.
As for what caused me to get this low? There were a variety of factors. I'd split from an ex at the end of August who told me that I had no friends and that I would now be alone because we split. I worked in a job where the management of all people was spreading rumors about me in the week when I didn't have the chance to defend myself. I had all the stress of starting a new master course and meeting all the new lecturers. I have a grandad dying in a care-home of vascular dementia and I put a lot of pressure on myself to do well as an officer. Combine all these pressures and eventually, the pot boils over and that happened to me.
Why would I write this? Because I don't want anyone to go through what I am going through right now. I want people to acknowledge that they can struggle and more importantly, there are people that will help them. Nothing is too much trouble and if somebody can't help, they will most likely know somebody who will. Also, I want people to know that it's ok to have some time to themselves and just binge watch Netflix.
Hopefully, with these new meds, I will be back on campus properly next week baring nothing goes wrong. Once again, I apologize for not being on campus but I have to sort myself out and RuPaul once said 'if you can't love yourself, how are you supposed to find somebody else.'
Toodle Pips,
Kelly
For those who have a pair of eyes, you may notice that I wasn't on campus this week, or last week, or the week before that. Some say that if you say my name 3 times, I might appear to which I say, please don't do that. It won't work. People have already tried it.
For those who want to know where I have been, I have been in my hometown. You see, I now have depression and I'm on medication.
A lot of people will now ask me why. If there are any moments that caused it. When did I know that something wasn't right?
For me, I knew that I couldn't hide away any more about a month ago. It was a Wednesday morning. I woke up early, had a shower, played some music and grabbed some cereal. Then I just cried. No reason. None of the music was sad. I had 2 of my favorite classes that day but I just sat on the table bawling. I couldn't even finish my cereal. I then cried for about 3 hours non-stop.
At best, I could wake up and conquer the world. I was queen Kelly and nobody, assignment, reading or entity was going to stop me from succeeding. At worst, I was calculating how I was going to take my life. There wasn't even a medium anymore.
There were days, I would live off a sarnie and an apple all day and other days I would binge eat. I went from a UG who went to bed at 10 pm on the dot unless it was a night out to 12 am if I was lucky. I had this whole group of people around me but I never spoke to them about the issues because I was worried about being a burden.
As for what caused me to get this low? There were a variety of factors. I'd split from an ex at the end of August who told me that I had no friends and that I would now be alone because we split. I worked in a job where the management of all people was spreading rumors about me in the week when I didn't have the chance to defend myself. I had all the stress of starting a new master course and meeting all the new lecturers. I have a grandad dying in a care-home of vascular dementia and I put a lot of pressure on myself to do well as an officer. Combine all these pressures and eventually, the pot boils over and that happened to me.
Why would I write this? Because I don't want anyone to go through what I am going through right now. I want people to acknowledge that they can struggle and more importantly, there are people that will help them. Nothing is too much trouble and if somebody can't help, they will most likely know somebody who will. Also, I want people to know that it's ok to have some time to themselves and just binge watch Netflix.
Hopefully, with these new meds, I will be back on campus properly next week baring nothing goes wrong. Once again, I apologize for not being on campus but I have to sort myself out and RuPaul once said 'if you can't love yourself, how are you supposed to find somebody else.'
Toodle Pips,
Kelly
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